This is blowing up. I am so tired of being limited by my own pain and I am going insane looking around at everyone I have ever loved, respected, been inspired by, been close to and they fall into two camps: hopeless malignant types I fantasize over and those who are suffering every bit as bad as I am and deeply. My best friends. My favorite educators. My closest confidants and some gossip queens. It’s taken me a long time to get here, and I’ve had some big stops and starts along the way. I’m glad to be feeling pretty proud of my achievements – but I’m hopelessly bored of them at this point.

I can speak a lot about what one can do to achieve their goals and dreams. I am endlessly excited about all the possibilities around me, but I have been cut off from the totality of my skillset for YEARS at this point. I can listen to people and from studying and hoarding different structures, I can place the information into carefully crafted categories because ” I want to tell your story” (my tagline for several years).

It’s fear. It’s frozen fear. What I want is to be creative, to use my talents, and heaven forbid, be able to make a living wage.

I have survivors’ guilt.

I had no idea how intensely something like this can saturate a life and pull it down. I have been trying to be “Mother Theresa” (oh don’t get me started) but I love telling stories but the truth has been that I want community – I want to tell MY story. If something is making you that miserable? Let it go!!!

Customer Experience Consultant. I can’t believe that there’s a grant. And that I have a few days to do it in. She has 10 a day. I can fucking do this shit. Goddamnit.

Formatting. Color Correction. Sound Quality. I have 4 days to get this fucking thing in. I also have to start writing sorry letters. I think. NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE YOU PERMISSION. Art is direct to people. I want to work for myself and keep people around me that I like and want to be around.