I’m living for these times.

My consistent mantra (of many) is that it’s never about the cards you’re dealt but what you do with it. All this zoning out and listening to music is doing something positive, I suppose.

I’m no longer apologizing but seeing the world around me in a new way. I can’t help the way other people perceive other people who don’t have much to do with me beyond simple passing kindness. It’s never been a tough thing for me to spin around my head.

Life has felt like a simulation for so long and I am so tired. As much as it is to don my dad’s swag (RIP) and feel like a G, I sometimes imagine I’m in a TV show and want to tear the whole world down. Why can’t things consist of mutual respect and admiration? Why do I feel so guilty?

I self-soothe fine. I’m not suffering. I wish I knew how to navigate these relationships. It’s a land mine to have a friend or colleague with anything in common. I’m tough to live with. Do I say this shit out loud? I must. I’m tired of feeling trolled when I’m sad and not quite put together the way I should be. I miss scintillating conversation and that delicious electric braininess. Every once in a great while someone crosses your path and being near them is filling. It’s funny how the ugly is flawless but crickets when I ask for something good for myself.

I finally do and the whole world shifts around me. I am seen in a new way and the faces are mad and disappointed.

The standards people hold others to.

I’d rather be a villain these days with the way our heroes are acting. I’m gutted about Neil and the nanny. I forgot how that was going on. Maybe it’s not the most in this day and age, but it hurts deep, deep down. I feel like Jessica – I’m drawn this way. Is it true though? I wish it wasn’t and want to rain down hell on anyone who made it up. I think he’d protest if it weren’t true.

Maybe those aren’t my messages. I’m not entirely sure where anyone’s coming from and I can’t quite figure out beyond “hello”, especially after so much time happening. I’m wanting the presence, the comfort here in this reality. That doesn’t make me bad. I wish it weren’t so.

So “a wish in one hand and a shit in the other” are my mother’s charming words ringing in my ears. With this constant ringing that never stops. In world-time. The supposed here and now time.

Some stories are too interesting not to fill in. I’m hoping to settle on some structures to flesh it out.

Did I forget something important?

A few weeks to focus and chill. I got this. My babies… holidays soon  💜

Thank you for providing for my kiddos this holiday season. May love and abundance blow through and clean out these stagnant cobwebs in our lives. Thank you for the space around me for new beginnings during this retrograde time and big Jupiter energy. I can’t get his song out of my head. It’s hard not to spin fantasies and faerie tales as I’m busting my butt to stay focused and move to the next space meant to be.

I’m working on trusting others and giving additional space for new love and relationships. One day I want to only have people around me who are true fans of me and mine, and we feel all that too… each one of us.

Thank you for blessing those who make their way here, and to banish ill intent. Here’s one for transmuting negative to positive, dark to light, and back again in perfect balance for the betterment of us all.

Amen. As above, so below; as I will it so mote it be.